An Unlikely Tour Guide

Dear Visitor to Planet Earth:

I’m happy the Big Black Woman in the Sky assigned me as your tour guide, even if by default.  Unfortunately for you, Julie from Love Boat was NoWheretobeFound  (NWtbF or MIA) (Perhaps somewhere around Seattle…).  She would definitely have had an element of Perkiness (and pleasantry) that I don’t.

The next choice for Alien Ambassador was Oprah, who could have eloquently clued you in on many a’ life lesson, but she’s busy realizing she should never have given up her talk show and started a dumb network.  Turns out, this realization is taking her quite the while (QTW)! 

Third in line to tour you around our Endangered Lands was Gene Wilder, but he just wanted to introduce you to all kinds of candy and this might have given you the Misimpression that everything in these parts is Sweet, (aka it ain’t).  Additionally, he had a hair appointment. 

Because every other human being on the face of the Earth (FOTE) was asked to chaperone you and all declined, my version of God then turned to me.  I felt bad for you and didn’t want you to return back to your planet without any kernels of earth knowledge… souvenirs per se-- 

Today I thought I’d indoctrinate you to what we on Earth like refer to as a little thing called an Amusement Park.   Just to prepare you, it will basically be an overpriced, overcrowded space where parents walk their children around on pseudo leashes masked as backpacks, and even if you get there right when “the park” opens, the bathrooms will (somehow) already be filthy.  

This is the Big Picture, as it were.   The rest are merely details. 

I ain’t no Oprah, but today as we go around, I’d like to share with you my own little Bits o’  Wisdom about life here on Earth.    

First things first: no matter where you go on the planet, someone is always sweeping something.  Either sweeping or vacuuming or waxing supermarket floors or blowing f-ing leaves near a door you need to enter.  These are all, largely, Interchangeable Occurrences (except the leaf blower adds a Loudness Factor that makes it particularly enticing). 

Currently, as you can see, this person with the oversized, rectangular broom is half-assedly pushing a glorious mixture of garbage, dirt, and water right near my feet, with no acknowledgement or concern that I would prefer that this blend of shit and debris not decorate my shoes, no matter how unlovely they might be.

Because Mr. and Mrs. Slow Family (who didn’t feel like lingering in the Costco aisle today) insist on, instead, lingering smack dab in the middle of Amusement Park Way, there’s no real room to escape the unpleasantry of the large, dirty broom pushing the trash near our feet.  Odds are you will not end up not getting crap on your any of your three shoes, but the worry of It All, and the Lack of Space, and the Unmaneuverability around the Costco Bunch, is just the beginning of the Amusement in the Park. 

Another Fun Fact regarding the Beauty of the AP (we humans like acronyms) is its unnerving similarity to that DMV place I was telling you about.  

First notice the 3-hours-long-line filled with hot people (not in the cute sense) stretched around the corner, waiting for the 23-second ride.  Next, cast your gaze on the employee in charge of helping people in and out of the roller coaster cars.  Notice how she’s in absolutely no hurry At All (ANHAA).  See how she chats with the little children and fixes her hair and checks her phone.  Watch how she converses with the Maintenance Guy (these rides could break at any moment: fyi, they are life-threatening, to add to the Happiness of it All) and kindly finishes her conversation, adding a coy smile before she trudges over, carefully, to get the next group of people to enter the potential last ride of their lives.  Yes, she could go through this line in half the time if she’d only wait to apply her lipstick until after the shift.  Thing is, she worries about the risks of melanoma and convinces herself the gloss (in addition to being lovely) is ample protection. 

Let’s saunter over to the Snack Shack, Shall we?  Yes, the hot dog is $8.00 and, indeed, the drink is 5 more (yes, the small).  We here in the P.E. (Planet Earth) have a little phenom called “HA!  YOU”RE TRAPPED!” aka (HYT).  This injustice is most visible in places like parks of amusement, airports, stores in hotels, and small pharmacies.   When you go to pay for your LOI (largely overpriced item) the sales clerk isn’t even kind enough to share that knowing glance that the both of you know that you are LBRO.  Largely Being Ripped Off!  You see, to acknowledge the injustice would mean that the salesclerk realizes that he or she is participating in it, and that is just too much honesty on Earth (TMHOE). 

What are you doing?  You want to go home?  But there’s so much more to show you!  This is the Happiest Place on Earth.  If you’re not happy here, I have no f-ing idea what to show you.  Also, don’t leave before going on a ride!  Yes—the one over there.  How does it work?. You stand on it, they saunter over to strap you in, and it goes 73 miles in the air and flips you over and over until your stomach plummets back down sans your body (a little thing we like to call gravity). 

Wait!  Don’t fly away!  Come back!  Don’t just climb back on that Spaceship!  Get back on the horse.  Don’t leave me here!  I’m coming with you—what’s it like there, anyway--WAIT_____________