Retail Shopping

Dear Retail/ Customer Service Person—

You’re bored.  The economy sucks and despite the “Everything on Sale!” sign outside your door, there’re not a lot of people around to relieve your anxiety about the impending loss of your job if Things don’t Pick Up.   To you, anyone who steps foot inside Gap is Fresh Meat, even if they’re just strolling in to inquire about a potential bathroom. 

(but we're not in a depression?)

Thing is, you get too excited.  Too Eagar to ask how people are.  This enthusiasm is scary and, even on a good day, I could never match your excitement.  I’ll try to mumble an audible “fine,” but do me a favor.  Please don’t follow me around.  I’m really not going to steal anything.  Most people have a story about when they were little and stole a stick of gum.  I don’t have that story.

I know I look suspect, averting your eyes and not smiling back at your big-toothed Hello!    It’s just that I don’t want to engage. It’s not you—it’s me.  You see, I’m walking straight (ha) for the things On Sale in the Men’s Department.  

I don’t need your help and I’m not in the mood for judgment.   I’m looking for something cheap and somewhat feminine in the Men’s Department.  Very cheap and not real feminine in the Men’s department.  I don’t think you can help.   I don’t think, for example, if I told you that this is what I’m looking for, that you’d have any real suggestions for me.  I bet you’d never be able to say, “Here!  Try this!  It just came in!”  First of all, if it just came in, it won’t be in the Sale Section.  You won’t be able to help me with sizes either, because whatever’s there is there.  It’s the leftovers.    

(not me)

Please don’t take it personally when I also refuse to look at you, on my way out, after having found nothing, as you fold clothes and hope that I Have a Good Day! Usually, on top of feeling like a felon because I’ve been watched so closely, I’m also upset for having not found anything that meets my, perhaps rigid, requirements. 

Maybe, however, had you been more helpful, I would have found Something Perfect.  Good luck with the job.  

Signed,

Not Easy to Please and Continuing to try to Shop Online But then you Usually Have to Pay for Shipping